If you are considering going on hormones for any reason, here is a handy list of 6 things you should avoid lest you become a soggy, weeping mess.
- Disney movies. I caught the last five minutes of Hunchback of Notre Dame today. I have never seen this movie, but there is a part right at the end when a little girl goes up to Quasimodo, touches his face, then takes his hand. Under normal circumstances, that may have caused me to choke up a little. But under the influence of the hormones? Tears streaming down my face. And seriously, what kind of sadistic people do they have writing these movies? Dead parents, orphans, child abusers. It’s like they take pleasure in making me weep so hard that I frighten my children.
- Grocery shopping. I broke down twice in Trader Joe’s yesterday. Once because they did not have pretzel rolls (although, let’s be honest, that might have made me weep under normal circumstances because…pretzel rolls…). And then again while I wandered aimlessly up and down the aisles, thinking of all of the healthy food I do not buy and how there must be something on these shelves that will make me a better mother. Kale chips? Quinoa? Kefir? Should I be buying the fancy organic cucumbers for $1.69 more? Why do I feed my kids so much mac n cheese? Why do we eat out so much? And don’t good moms actually shop at Whole Foods instead of selfishly boycotting them for being pretentious, douchey, and everything that’s wrong with “healthy eating” in America? I was sucked into a downward spiral of self-loathing and self-doubt, openly weeping while I put yet another bag of tri-color pasta and 8 boxes of applesauce pouches into my cart.
- Your office or place of business. Turns out that being super emotional at work is not great for productivity or intraoffice relationships. Every offhand comment becomes a hurtful insult, every innocent look becomes a mean glare. Went over budget on an event? Time to hide in the bathroom and quietly sob into your hands. Forgot to turn in a credit card receipt? TIme to collapse onto the floor of your office in a trembling heap. Good thing I can go home after a long, emotional day and have a nice glass of wine. Oh, wait–sorry, sister! No you can’t! You’re on medication and are under doctor’s orders to abstain from alcohol. Sucks to be you, bitch!
- Books. Especially those featuring children, orphans, dogs, lovers, and/or dead versions of all of the above. You might want to steer clear of children’s books, too. Ramona and I are currently making our way through the Ramona Quimby books, and [spoiler alert!] at the end of Ramona Forever, Mrs. Quimby has a baby girl. They name the baby Roberta. My Ramona is named after my grandmother Roberta who died quite suddenly when I was about 5 months pregnant. So yeah…soggy, weeping mess.
- Television. It’s the commercials that will get you! Cheerios, Subaru, iPhone, Folgers, Home Depot, Iams… fuck you, television marketing evil-geniuses, taking advantage of me in my hormone-induced weakness.
- The Internet. Did you know there are 58,000 results on YouTube when you search for “crying elephant”? And you will watch every single one of them while ugly-crying into your bowl of cookie dough ice cream.
And so, dear reader, if you ever find yourself on hormones, please heed my warning and avoid these 6 emotional triggers. Or at least make sure you have plenty of ice cream and kleenex on hand.